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22 / 5 / 2012 @ 03:05

“In the end, I’ve come to believe in something I call “The Physics of the Quest.” A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you’re brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.”

3 notes
22 / 5 / 2012 @ 02:22

I fucked myself over so badly in the past that I can no longer try to revert anybody else from only noticing my mistakes. It’s a shame really.. it had taken so many months trying to find peace within myself, forgive myself, and tell myself that I wasn’t that type of person anymore.. and I’m not.. That’s the thing, I’m really not. Even still to this day I am struggling day in and day out to try and prove myself to people because I just want the slightest soul to believe in me. I am however getting used to the fact that there are gonna be those people who either believe me or don’t. Only I know the truth because the truth does not lay in my actions but the truth lays within my own thoughts, emotions, and heart. I do not believe that because one person chooses to start off on a certain path in the past pre-destines them to a future. Isn’t that what life is about? Making mistakes, learning from them, progressing, and ultimately working towards a better future? You have to be strong enough to realize first that you made a mistake and before you can move forward with anything you must re-evaluate your life. Think back and see where the start of this problem really began. Was it worth it? Are you willing to go back and take another chance, hoping to get it right this time?

Love does terrible things to people. Actually, it’s not falling in love that’s bad part, it’s falling out of love. What do you do when you know that the person you want to be with, spend each and every day with, marry, and have die by your side suddenly stops loving you? Call me crazy for speaking of such nonsense at such a young age but my feelings are strong and true. There are those people that you just know you were destined to be with but whether they feel as if their destiny saves a spot for you is the frightening part. Sure they can sit there and tell you that they feel the same way, but to what extent is that person willing to stand by their statement? I fought for my love each and every single day even more so when the going got tough but he threw in the towel. How much was he really willing to fight? We could have kept going but we were just so broken that the pieces left could no longer be put back together. I was the cause, I know I was. I can never forgive myself for what I put that man through and I don’t think he could ever forgive me. I broke him down to the bone, left him with nothing, no sign of hope, faith, or peace of mind. That was probably the worst thing I could have ever done to him, hurt him so bad that he’d just want to leave. He was so broken… I didn’t know that I could hold that much control over a person’s emotions. I forgot for a split second that it wasn’t just about me anymore. I was committed to another human being, which I’ve learned that once you are fully committed to someone..they become a part of you. Your emotions are also their emotions and vice versa. I felt his pain and I could only imagine how terrible that part of his life must have been. It kills me to know that I did that. I never meant to hurt anyone, I was just trying to do something that would benefit everyone. I just want my life back, and my life is nothing without him.

I just want him to believe that my love is true, because it is. More than anything my love is true. I have no regrets about the decisions I made even when they seemed uncertain at times because even though we both had to go through hell to find even the slightest bit of happiness, it was worth it.

I’ve never been religious but over the course of a month or so since this situation had arisen I prayed because it was all I could do, pray.. I thanked him for the opportunities he gave me, he sent me a blessing in disguise as a human being. Yesterday, when it had finally hit me that there was no going back I had never asked for so much forgiveness. I just had nothing left to hold on to and even though I can’t make up for the things I did I wanted to put my faith in God’s hands to give me a better tomorrow. I ran out of things to hold on to, I gave up hope. I needed guidance and a sense of security and I felt that the only way that was possible was through the help of God. I believe that he will make this right, no matter what path it may take me down. Either way, I’m glad to have lived the life that I did with that man by my side.

There is nothing more that I can do than learn from my mistakes. I’ve said my apologies but there is one last note that I would like to leave on…

Kacey Christopher-James Lynch,

I’m sorry for how out of control this situation has become. I never meant for it to be this way. Never in a million years would I have thought that this is where we would end up. You gave me an amazing 10 months of my life. Yes, 10 months of talking to you everyday, keeping up with your every move, and 10 months of a growing love for you in my heart. You opened my eyes up to a whole new world I would have never imagined seeing. I never really knew what love was or what being in love would feel like but you showed me and for the first time, I felt like I wasn’t afraid any more. I wasn’t afraid of what “love” had to offer. We were able to push through the obstacles and prove not only to ourselves but to every one around us that they were wrong. How idiodic of them to say we “couldn’t” or that it was “impossible” to make it work. We believed in one another. I just wish that you would have kept believing, that your passion was still there. I wish that you would have let me help you and say “This is why I am unhappy but I think I’m going to be okay as long as I have you by my side”. I wanted to help you, that’s all. I wanted you to realize that I’m always going to be here no matter what awful words you spit out at me. I know just as well that I did the same thing. I let my anger get the best of me and said some things I regret. None of those words meant a thing. As I was out last night all I could think to myself was “What am i doing? I don’t belong here, in this car. I belong in the passenger’s seat of a black PT Cruiser, N*E*R*D playing in the background, with my boyfriend by my side” all I wanted to do was go home. This isn’t my life, my life is with you. This girl, I envy her. Stealing so much of your attention.. no. This is all wrong don’t you see but I put this upon myself didn’t I? I wish I could have told you all these things with a formal goodbye but we never gave ourselves the chance. Even if you didn’t say a word, as long as you knew how I felt and even if all you could do was sit there and lash out at me that’d be better than nothing at all.  Honestly, I can’t stand the fact that I can’t be there to support you in these amazing endeavours that you’ve been facing. I want to be there for you, I just want MY boyfriend back. Unfortunatly all that I can do is live in a memory. From that first night in Hawaii, to the second my plane landed back home, my “sick” day, our first ice cream date, when you were my “raisin”, the day my parents found out, the first time I told you I loved you, that night at Hunter’s Ridge, the first game you saw me play, the first time we went ”home”, the night I met your family, our first sit down dinner date, all of those little moments… I’ll never forget those moments. I have so much to thank you for, you gave me the best relationship I could have possibly had. Best of all, you gave me LOVE. Your heart was true. I love you with every inch of my heart, Kacey. I wish you the best of luck in the amazing future you have ahead of you. I will always love you, Kacey. No matter how terrible things got between us I could still sit here, look you dead in the eyes, and tell you those three words.. “I love you”. You were truly a blessing. Now as a cordial “goodbye” I leave you with this.

“The past can hurt but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.”